In the last week things have changed. My blog writing flow faltered when my sister posted my last post on fetlife.com and I got a slue of negative comments in my direction. My essay about being a slave was never meant to be taken as anything but my own view on what it meant to be a slave, and yes, in the happy state that I wrote it, it was romanticized. But I am a romantic sort of person, and love to indulge myself in sweet perfect thoughts.
My Master has released me of my collar, and I am back to gritting my teeth with self-suffiance and independence, taking my freedom with as much grace as I can, again. I expected this, though. Him and I have been on this path of back and forth for so long, it was only a matter of time before the distance got to us, before I felt unbalanced in our giving and taking, and whatever else. I am not bitter, I am not angry, I'm not even that hurt anymore.. I understand that we need to figure things out and see where it leads us. Again. My journey is never ending, just as everyone's. I make a conscious decision to not let too many things jade me, to stay as sweet and hopeful as I can, and to daily work on my own issues. I want to be a better person, I want to grow as a slave, and I can do both of these things without my own Master.
I try to not be self destructive in my chaos. I try to have self control. To not be angry. These are my daily struggles.
On another note, I returned to a Gor chatroom on bondage.com which is an interesting experience for me. A while back, I was visiting quite frequently a similar Gor room on collarme.com and being around such structure and intense people and rules made me, well, grow. Simple things that I used to have a hard time with, such as addressing Him as 'Master' was quickly fixed when I was required to call all Men in this room 'Master'.
I feel like I have a lot to say about these two rooms, though I have no idea where to start. I stopped going to them when Him and I started getting more serious and he instructed me not to go anymore, which is understandable, I think. But I quite like them, it's new and exciting, which is also part of the problem I have with them. I get so nervous, anxious -scared, even- that I lurk around IRC without entering the room, just staring at my buddy list and checking to see how many people are in the rooms. I am inconsistent with my visits and I feel this might give the impression that I'm not serious or that I could disappear - which I have done. I get overwhelmed and don't want to make an ass of myself, or I get so lonely or wanting that being around such strong willed Masters makes my heart hurt and is just miserable torture.
I am learning that there is a balance in all these things. I am my own person, I am spirited and young and passionate, yet I also have this dying need to be accepted, loved and liked, to make people happy and take care of the people close to me. The balance comes in keeping my heart safe without being rude, to be submissive but aware that I make the choice to go as far as I want, at the pace that I need.
One step at a time, girl, just keep moving forward.