Day Two + PMS = .....

absolute crankiness.

Dear Diary...

I cannot bare the thought of not talking to him, yet I cannot bare the thought of breaking down to call or email him either... Don't get me wrong, it's not because of pride or any such thing, but pure desire to show him that I am willing to suffer, that I want to please him, obey him, love him, do anything to be with him... Am I insane? Have I dropped off the deep end? Sometimes I think I have. It's not even right to write this here where anyone could stumble on it, anyone could steal a piece of our world together and judge it, one that only him and I can understand...

I want so badly to have my romantic story and I think we have the most insanely romantic story I could ever have wished to experience, endure and anticipate.

How long can I really do this for? How long can I not pick up the phone and dial his number? Or even email him? It's such torture. He's not on AIM. He's blocked me to deter temptation, and surely I don't need any more....

But I want to tell him about my day, about my frustrations. Instead I will be silent, save this journal, and suffer without him, and around all of my friends so happy and fun. I smile and act normal and I don't talk about it and constantly it's in my mind and I want to do what will make him happy even if he's not here even though I know it's about making me happy and being who I want to be because I want to be or whatever nonsense but it's bullshit because I swear to god I live my life based around him and I don't even fucking care if it's wrong!

And the adult part of me says, no, no, calm down. Take a breath, everything will be fine. One day at a time, just do what you need to do. You don't need to talk to anyone else, it's good enough he knows and you know and that's it. I know. He knows.

That's it.

Am I crazy?

I'm Right Here...

So it's been, what, two years since my last update?

who cares, I'm writing this because I can't talk to you, I'm writing this because I have to talk to you and there is no other way without directly contacting you which you've told me not to do. This is my loop hole, this is my sanity, because I feel like I'm going nuts without you and it's not even been 24 hours since last we talked... I feel like you've gone on some trip, or perhaps how military wives might feel when their men get shipped off. Whatever, you are not shipped off but you may as well be.

I've been having fucked up weird dreams, and I'm sure it's my longing and stress getting the better of me. I feel cranky, pissy, sad and short tempered. Sure, this could be PMS, too, but surely it's more to do with you. It's frustrating, having my happiness so easily hung on a person... I know I should be happy with myself, and to an extent I am, I just feel so incomplete... and even these thoughts are torture, even writing this is torture.. and I want to cry and I wish there was an evil witch to cast me to sleep until you come rescue me...

The thing is, I feel like I know you know I suffer so... I think maybe you do, too... and I like to think I'm sitting here, thinking of you, and you're thinking of me... I hope you're waiting for me to post on this blog... I hope you think of it as soon as I have, but I guess I wont know.

I miss you already Sir, I love you.