I found something that might be the answer to all my problems.

Whitewater rafting.

Alright, it might not be the answer to ALL of my problems, but it certainly will help for a while, at least. I went rafting for the first time last weekend and by the time it was all over my whole body hurt like a motherfucker and I was exhausted and excited and happy. My muscles hurt for days after and I immediately cut back on smoking... for a bit.

I've been looking for some physical activity that I could do to burn some energy and work out my body, but that was also fun at the same time. I guess I've found it. I mean I hope I have. I'm going to look into getting trained to be a guide but who knows. At the very least I will be going back to photograph them and go down the river. All the guides are cool people... and I found one I have a crush on.

So at some point I tell him, listen, we gotta take things slow, we don't know eachother very well and for all we know there are things about one another that the other can't handle. We all have issues, and I'm no exception... Then when prompted as to what those things were, I told him I was masochistic, which I had mentioned before. He says he is too! He beats himself up with rafting and kayaking and all sorts of stuff all the time. I laughed because it's valid but it's not the same as what I was talking about, but I let it go. Is it that different? What's the difference, that I've almost idolized my masochism? That I think about it in a sexual and kinky way? Perhaps if I had never found BDSM, I would be doing shit just like him. Not sleeping and plowing through booze and adventures.

I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long rafting and physical exertion will suffice.

I mean it more than was sufficient, it was amazing. I wanted to cry and skip with joy at the same time. I've never felt better in my whole life.

I'm Sad

Im sitting here, mad and upset about men and how they treat me. I think to myself, "No wonder so many people are gay, men and women aren't relating to eachother". I'm thinking this because of so many communication mishaps and barriers. I'm thinking this because I'm mad and upset. Over and over men disappoint me. I find myself looking for female companionship. Which makes me ask a lot of questions. Particularly; "Am I gay?" Also, "Why do I hate men?" I find that as I sit here, my distraught (and now, stoned) mind turning over and over. I run back to the thoughts of my sexuality, my interest in BDSM, my scars... My decision that "women's rights has fucked us". But I don't think it's that. I also turn over my ideas of being gay, and my attraction to women. A lot of girls are bisexual or bicurious and I hate the terms. It reminds me of plastic looking girls giggling and making out at some house party while holding a Smirnoff and boys oo and aw and gauk and egg them on.

Ultimately I come to the realization that men have become disrespectful. They have the control. They take what they can get, and they do it scrappy because that's the only way they know how. Women have learned to play some sort of game, and some are good at it, but I'm not. I think we're in a world of topping from the bottom.

I don't know what I do. I get mad. No, I get sad... and then I get mad because I'm sad and I don't want to show it.

I'm sad that I don't know how to "properly deal with men". Mostly I don't think I should have to. I think men should be more sensitive to women. And I'm not talking about being a pussy, I'm talking about paying attention.

Which is why I think I like BDSM so much. I like the idea of a Master, a Dom, a Sadist. These Top Men type, the best of them, they pay attention with great detail. They are in tune. And they wield that power knowingly...

This used to be a normal thing. Men did manly things. They hunted and killed. They protected their land and people. They knew who they were, and for that matter, so did women. Now all of our roles are fucked up and I can't fucking handle it half the time. I don't feel like anyone sees me. My ability to give a person what they want has made me into people I am not. But is that even true? Aren't you a product of what you do?

But men are supposed to run the world.

There's a balance to maintain.

I often feel lost.

of Love and Pain

What is it I'm trying to say? What is it I'm looking for, in this semi secret place I have built for me, lost amongst the rest of the interent. Safe place to write and speak, I fear judgment. I fear. I fear judgment and I want you to love me. My soul is pounding at my heart, screaming at my skin which traps me too close in, the monster inside has been fed a dose and now howls for more, more. Normally kept in a state of starvation, too weak to move, but it is restless, I am restless, and there is only one thing that will tame us.

Pain.

I want to cry at what that means. I am sitting here full of inspiration, anticipation and something else that I think might be Love. The well of love in me is deep and fairly untouched, mostly because it is so woven with these dark desires.

There are those who do not understand the deep connection of love and pain. So many experience only one or the other. And too many "in the lifestyle" do not hold on to their passion of being in love. They decreed themselves incapable or unworthy of real love, and search through S&M to fill that void. I desire both together, or neither at all. In fact, I cannot separate the two. All my pain is sweet and all my love is hard.

I've been told I'm a dreamer by many people.

So what.