Sunday, October 21, 2012

Her Price is Steel

"Her Price is Steel" by Marcus Ranum

So I've been lightly interested in Gor for some years. Mostly it's the intensity, the rules and seriousness. But a few months ago I worked with Marcus for the first time, and he gave me the first three books in the series. Long story short I didn't read them, though the second book found it's way back into my hands recently. Against my desire to skip ahead a book, I started reading it anyway. Within a few chapters of Outlaws of Gor, our protagonist finds himself in a situation of rescuing a beautiful girl from slavers who have been hunting her. He claims her as his to them, and tells them that they can have her if they pay her price. "And her price?" they ask, "Her price is steel" he responds as he draws his sword.

Now, it's easy to look at me and what I'm saying and be like, shit, you're a fuckin nerd, do you hear what you're talking about? But what girl hasn't secretly dreamt of a time and space where men actually defended women. What part of collars and chains and slavery and muscles and power and sex and blood isn't fucking hot? That statement is saying, this girl is  mine and if you want her, you'll have to kill me. That's some dedication. That's some serious kind of love and masculinity.

It's fantasy love. It's perfect love.

I love possesion. I love the words "you're mine" or "she's mine". There's so much power and safety in them.

I want to belong. And that includes to a person.

Well, in my ideal fantasy world, I do. I have yet to come across a man who could (or wanted) to deal with me, tame me. He probably doesn't exist and it's more like I have to tame myself and build myself into that woman that that kind of man would actually want.

But whatever, the point is, BDSM is a beautiful thing.
"Pole Dance" by Marcus Ranum

Today I've been made to take a hard look at my personality flaws.

You see, I have this horrible habit of goading people (particularly men of power or strength) into anger. I want to see and feel the effects, I want to pull out of them a sadistic nature that is in all of us, no matter how small it might be. I want to feel a person's wrath, that carnal passion that is perhaps the most pure and true... I like pain and humiliation. But perhaps this is more a problem of not knowing how to love men properly. Daddy issues. Abandonment issues. Sexual issues... Pride issues. And God knows, serious Authority Issues.

There's this girl that I was chatting with, and twice she's stuck out to me such simple comments. One was asking me what I'm afraid of, the other was by telling me that I'll never get what I want by hiding.

Afraid is obvious to me. I'm afraid to let men into my soft, loving side. I know it's big, that side, and so thoughtful and caring. Even when I hide it, I am aware of everyone's needs around me. I pay attention to details and I listen and remember. I'm afraid of not being loved, I'm afraid of being left and of fucking it all up, like I'm so good at doing.

Better to leave than be left. Better to hurt than be hurt.

But really, the only person I'm hurting is myself.

And hiding. I thought on this a while. I live a life fairly free of BDSM, it's my dark secret. Though men can sense the crazy on me. They somehow know that I'm a freak in the bedroom. But I don't just want rough sex, I want the whole experience. I want to be safe, and wild within that safety. Free to be what I am in the eyes of Someone who sees me. A Master. A lover. A true Man. But how can I ever find what I'm looking for if I'm hiding? Which I am. Practically my only interactions with anyone in the Lifestyle are online, which even that has only been surface level. I don't go to any sort of lifestyle events, stay active on any forums, search out anyone.

In my modeling I've taken to making slave inspired images. Where I get to make this art based around my comfort and desire over collars, chains and rope. Perhaps it's time to stop hiding it. Perhaps it's time to stop fearing judgement which is clearly only complicating my life.

I know that my dark streak isn't going anywhere. But that doesn't mean that it has to be evil, that it has to be based out of anger. There are healthy ways to do these things, and I know it, so why do I keep perpetuating the cycle?

It's time to start acting like the woman I want to see myself as, rather than the child I've been.