Sunday, October 21, 2012

"Pole Dance" by Marcus Ranum

Today I've been made to take a hard look at my personality flaws.

You see, I have this horrible habit of goading people (particularly men of power or strength) into anger. I want to see and feel the effects, I want to pull out of them a sadistic nature that is in all of us, no matter how small it might be. I want to feel a person's wrath, that carnal passion that is perhaps the most pure and true... I like pain and humiliation. But perhaps this is more a problem of not knowing how to love men properly. Daddy issues. Abandonment issues. Sexual issues... Pride issues. And God knows, serious Authority Issues.

There's this girl that I was chatting with, and twice she's stuck out to me such simple comments. One was asking me what I'm afraid of, the other was by telling me that I'll never get what I want by hiding.

Afraid is obvious to me. I'm afraid to let men into my soft, loving side. I know it's big, that side, and so thoughtful and caring. Even when I hide it, I am aware of everyone's needs around me. I pay attention to details and I listen and remember. I'm afraid of not being loved, I'm afraid of being left and of fucking it all up, like I'm so good at doing.

Better to leave than be left. Better to hurt than be hurt.

But really, the only person I'm hurting is myself.

And hiding. I thought on this a while. I live a life fairly free of BDSM, it's my dark secret. Though men can sense the crazy on me. They somehow know that I'm a freak in the bedroom. But I don't just want rough sex, I want the whole experience. I want to be safe, and wild within that safety. Free to be what I am in the eyes of Someone who sees me. A Master. A lover. A true Man. But how can I ever find what I'm looking for if I'm hiding? Which I am. Practically my only interactions with anyone in the Lifestyle are online, which even that has only been surface level. I don't go to any sort of lifestyle events, stay active on any forums, search out anyone.

In my modeling I've taken to making slave inspired images. Where I get to make this art based around my comfort and desire over collars, chains and rope. Perhaps it's time to stop hiding it. Perhaps it's time to stop fearing judgement which is clearly only complicating my life.

I know that my dark streak isn't going anywhere. But that doesn't mean that it has to be evil, that it has to be based out of anger. There are healthy ways to do these things, and I know it, so why do I keep perpetuating the cycle?

It's time to start acting like the woman I want to see myself as, rather than the child I've been.

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