I found something that might be the answer to all my problems.
Alright, it might not be the answer to ALL of my problems, but it certainly will help for a while, at least. I went rafting for the first time last weekend and by the time it was all over my whole body hurt like a motherfucker and I was exhausted and excited and happy. My muscles hurt for days after and I immediately cut back on smoking... for a bit.
I've been looking for some physical activity that I could do to burn some energy and work out my body, but that was also fun at the same time. I guess I've found it. I mean I hope I have. I'm going to look into getting trained to be a guide but who knows. At the very least I will be going back to photograph them and go down the river. All the guides are cool people... and I found one I have a crush on.
So at some point I tell him, listen, we gotta take things slow, we don't know eachother very well and for all we know there are things about one another that the other can't handle. We all have issues, and I'm no exception... Then when prompted as to what those things were, I told him I was masochistic, which I had mentioned before. He says he is too! He beats himself up with rafting and kayaking and all sorts of stuff all the time. I laughed because it's valid but it's not the same as what I was talking about, but I let it go. Is it that different? What's the difference, that I've almost idolized my masochism? That I think about it in a sexual and kinky way? Perhaps if I had never found BDSM, I would be doing shit just like him. Not sleeping and plowing through booze and adventures.
I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long rafting and physical exertion will suffice.
I mean it more than was sufficient, it was amazing. I wanted to cry and skip with joy at the same time. I've never felt better in my whole life.