of Love and Pain

What is it I'm trying to say? What is it I'm looking for, in this semi secret place I have built for me, lost amongst the rest of the interent. Safe place to write and speak, I fear judgment. I fear. I fear judgment and I want you to love me. My soul is pounding at my heart, screaming at my skin which traps me too close in, the monster inside has been fed a dose and now howls for more, more. Normally kept in a state of starvation, too weak to move, but it is restless, I am restless, and there is only one thing that will tame us.

Pain.

I want to cry at what that means. I am sitting here full of inspiration, anticipation and something else that I think might be Love. The well of love in me is deep and fairly untouched, mostly because it is so woven with these dark desires.

There are those who do not understand the deep connection of love and pain. So many experience only one or the other. And too many "in the lifestyle" do not hold on to their passion of being in love. They decreed themselves incapable or unworthy of real love, and search through S&M to fill that void. I desire both together, or neither at all. In fact, I cannot separate the two. All my pain is sweet and all my love is hard.

I've been told I'm a dreamer by many people.

So what.