Saturday, February 7, 2009

Travel Lust

I feel spring creeping up my spine. I feel the warm breeze pulling me out, away, forward. Winter has always been a hybernation period, and, living in the north-east, it's easy to stay locked up in my apartment from december to March without leaving much. Which is exactly what I've been doing. But I feel the earth moving towards warming up even though it is still cold and snowing on a regular basis - the sun is brighter, the days a bit longer. I've been so lost lately, so many ups and downs - I'm ready to just pack up my car and say, "good luck, and goood byyyye". And I feel I might just do it, too. Lately I've been trying really hard to function well, almost as if I had a Master to help me - pulling strength out of me, forcing myself to do simple things like clean or eat or, Christ, get out of bed. There's just something in me that functions best (or at all) when I feel like I'm doing everything for someone. Cooking, cleaning whatever-  but also taking care of myself, being happy and smiling, being productive or being inspired. It's terrible that because I don't have someone to love and to love me I feel so useless, aimless, pointless.

My mother once told me, "don't become one of those girls who is only happy when they have a boyfriend, you can be happy alone, too" but she also looked at me one day when I was like 13 and was in some puppy love with some boy at school who actually was talking to me, she looked at me and, not knowing anything about him, said, "you're awful pleasant when you're in love." But I suppose everyone is, right? Which makes me wonder, what the hell is the point of all of this if you don't have someone to share your world with?

The getaway car is looking more and more appealing. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Simple Update

In the last week things have changed. My blog writing flow faltered when my sister posted my last post on and I got a slue of negative comments in my direction. My essay about being a slave was never meant to be taken as anything but my own view on what it meant to be a slave, and yes, in the happy state that I wrote it, it was romanticized. But I am a romantic sort of person, and love to indulge myself in sweet perfect thoughts. 

My Master has released me of my collar, and I am back to gritting my teeth with self-suffiance and independence, taking my freedom with as much grace as I can, again. I expected this, though. Him and I have been on this path of back and forth for so long, it was only a matter of time before the distance got to us, before I felt unbalanced in our giving and taking, and whatever else. I am not bitter, I am not angry, I'm not even that hurt anymore.. I understand that we need to figure things out and see where it leads us. Again. My journey is never ending, just as everyone's. I make a conscious decision to not let too many things jade me, to stay as sweet and hopeful as I can, and to daily work on my own issues. I want to be a better person, I want to grow as a slave, and I can do both of these things without my  own Master. 

I try to not be self destructive in my chaos.  I try to have self control. To not be angry. These are my daily struggles.

On another note, I returned to a Gor chatroom on which is an interesting experience for me. A while back, I was visiting quite frequently a similar Gor room on and being around such structure and intense people and rules made me, well, grow. Simple things that I used to have a hard time with, such as addressing Him as 'Master' was quickly fixed when I was required to call all Men in this room 'Master'. 

I feel like I have a lot to say about these two rooms, though I have no idea where to start. I stopped going to them when Him and I started getting more serious and he instructed me not to go anymore, which is understandable, I think. But I quite like them, it's new and exciting, which is also part of the problem I have with them. I get so nervous, anxious -scared, even- that I lurk around IRC without entering the room, just staring at my buddy list and checking to see how many people are in the rooms. I am inconsistent with my visits and I feel this might give the impression that I'm not serious or that I could disappear - which I have done. I get overwhelmed and don't want to make an ass of myself, or I get so lonely or wanting that being around such strong willed Masters makes my heart hurt and is just miserable torture. 

I am learning that there is a balance in all these things. I am my own person, I am spirited and young and passionate, yet I also have this dying need to be accepted, loved and liked, to make people happy and take care of the people close to me. The balance comes in keeping my heart safe without being rude, to be submissive but aware that I make the choice to go as far as I want, at the pace that I need. 

One step at a time, girl, just keep moving forward.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Essay: What It Means To Be a Slave

My wonderful M has given me an assignment of a thousand words on what it means to be a slave. The easiest way I can seem to figure a beginning to this piece is a basic definition quoted from the Merriem-Webster Online Dictionary :

Middle English sclave, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin; Anglo-French esclave, from Medieval Latin sclavus, from Sclavus Slavic; from the frequent enslavement of Slavs in central Europe during the early Middle Ages
14th century
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
: one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence
3 : a device (as the printer of a computer) that is directly responsive to another
: drudge , toiler

“One that is completely subservient to a dominating influence.” Meaning a true slave asks no questions, has no hesitations; Just utter compliance. It is assumed that a slave enjoys this position as much as the Master enjoys his position, though while our (as slaves) pure purpose is to be pleasing, it is a Master’s position to receive pleasure; whether the slave finds pleasure from any or all acts is quite beside the point.

To me, my position of slave is extremely fulfilling. I suppose anyone who chooses this life would agree, otherwise there would be no such thing. It is in my personality to be unsure of everything, to lack many opinions, am incapable of making up my mind, have obsessive tendencies towards those I love, see good in everyone, find most men appealing, am happiest in the glow of approval, strive with all my might to be enjoyable, pleasing, attractive (particularly sexually), and derive great pleasure from abuse of all forms. Most of all I am extremely dependent on the man in my life, and I respect and adore greatly a man who knows his place as the dominant sex.

A girl in my position, one who somehow discovers this type of relationship and seeks out a Master to complement her - or, better, who she may complement - is destined for a long journey of learning what exactly such a role entails. Many start with an open desire to be dominated in the bedroom, excessive sexual deviancy and often self punishment (whether physically or mentally). Often signs of an undeveloped slave will include irresponsibility, irrationalizm and over emotional behavior. Other signs are simple “door mat” personalities, extremely passive, incapable of speaking their mind properly (if at all), etc.

Indeed, perhaps most women carry these traits, which only makes sense, seeing as it is natural for women to be the care givers, to be beautiful and graceful, to stand behind a man (as surely, within or without this lifestyle, most women crave). It is unfortunate, however, that movements such as women’s rights and a push for equality have downgraded the pride of femininity. Simple skills such as cooking have become a rarity, a treasure, and too often I hear women claim they don’t enjoy giving head or the infamous “headache” syndrome. How is it, that women have become so flippant about giving pleasure to their men? For the average person alone, it is really not that difficult. It’s astonishing how amazed men are today to find a young woman who knows what to do in the kitchen - and enjoys it! Let alone to find a woman who is unthinkingly eagar to please men's’ whims and desires. How ridiculous this seems to me.

Moving away from the average person - as we are not so concerned with the vanilla population -when a girl searches out her desires and finds truth in slavery, it is astonishing to find how deeply that can be incorporated into her life. Taking sexualism to teach the psychological aspects of a slaves mindset is extremely common and effective. One learns quickly that in being collared - in giving yourself to another, in a true slave grasp -you have no rights, desires, thoughts or wants that aren’t given to you by your Master. Which is a hard lesson to learn, at times. Unthinking devotion is based off of respect, trust and love. Doubt disappears because it is not a slaves responsibility to consider much of anything, let alone reconsider any decisions made for or around her. The only thing she should concern herself with is the ever growing knowledge that she is a tool, a pet, a treasured possession of her Master’s.

Naturally it is a slow process to integrate these ideas into a day-to-day, moment-to-moment reality, having - in all reality - a will of your own that is slowly deteriorated, slowly picked away and willingly given to your Master. Some easily call it a fantasy, which I suppose it is to some extent, particularly at first, particularly when your sex burns with humility or your thoughts buzz into silence at some pain. In reality a slave always has the ability to beg out of her collar - but I wonder how many slaves, after a certain point, can actually function without their Master. Once you give yourself in that way, it is terribly difficult to go back to a normal life, from being freed of making decisions to returning to having to take care of yourself - It seems an unbearable thought!

The stress I felt before I gave myself to my Master is small in comparison to the panic I feel when I think of a life without him. So those who may question if such a surrender is possible, I ask if you can think of the deepest love you can imagine, a love so great that you’d do anything at all to keep that person happy, to always feel your love for them and to never let them forget it; For that is what it means to be a slave to your Master. So enraptured by the relief he gives, that he is such a man to be able to take you, all of you, and impress on you his desires without having to beat around any bushes, without having to play power-struggle games: Just knowing exactly what it is that is expected from you, and safe in the knowledge that he has taken responsibility of your life, emotions and your own well being.

I don’t claim that this journey is always enjoyable. Like any great adventures it is filled with highs and lows, joys and sorrows, tears of misery and bliss. Often there is a feeling of such love that you feel you may burst, or longing so great that you’re so convinced you may die of heartache.

But, God help me, I’d not give it up for the world.