Christmas

As the end of September approaches, so does the beginning of one of the best months- and my favorite holiday- Halloween. Unfortunately, I realize that it's always daunted by the oncoming winter, and with it my least favorite day of the year- Christmas. Between never having money, a full family (or anywhere to go the last few years, period), or a lover... I really hate Christmas. I want to love it, but seeing as I can't remember a good one, it's hard to. The cold weather reminds me of it. And I'm just left here choking on my own self pity, holding back tears barely letting myself hope that this year might be different.

I keep telling myself I'm doing this all for me, but I fear it's all for you...

Silent Love

I am learning to be quiet in my love. So desperately do I feel my emotions, so eagerly do I want to act on them... But there is something in the silence and denial of my heart. I am dreaming of what could be, or what might be... I have terribly romantic desires, along with my dark ones. For now, I suppose my fantasies will have to suffice. Such sweet torture.

Yelling at Myself...

You lazy little shit, a nap? Really? That's about all you've been doing for a how many weeks now, just sleeping and watching netflix and ignoring your life and responsabilities. You bitch about having no money yet you do nothing with your day. I get it, you had a shitty experience, a few, in fact, and that sucks. You're life isn't peaches and cream right now, but there is only ONE way to make that change and that's by doing the things you keep putting off. So you don't want a "real job" well congratulations, you've waited to long to get one, so put your fucking nose to the grindstone and do the rest of the shit you said you'd do. Good, you haven't smoked in a week, we'll see how well that holds up when you're asked to smoke in a shoot or your friends are all smoking and you're drunk, just one puff right? What's the harm? Only your fucking health, Miss I Was Born A Month And A Half Premature. You know your lungs are one of the last things to develop, what, do you have a fucking death wish? Do you feel that pathetic about your life that you want to throw it away on lung cancer? Do you like not being able to breathe going up stairs, like a fucking lazy fat kid, like most of the lazy stupid people dirtying up this god forsaken earth? You keep saying, "I'll run tomorrow morning, I swear" yet you keep not doing it. You know what that says? That says that you can't even make a fucking promise to yourself, you can't keep your own word to YOURSELF, how can ANYONE else take your word, then? How can anyone else trust you? You sit at your little computer pining after this one or that one, why wont the Sadist talk to me, wondering what M is doing or god, even that Dominatrix. As if you deserve any of their attention at all!? They have ALL told you you are a bratty moody sub, and who the fuck wants a rebel constantly let alone a bitch who can't even hold herself to her OWN promises- promises that, as a matter of fact, you know are desirable for any respectable person. But don't do it for them, and you know that's not the point, do it for yourself, because you want to be that person. For Christ's sake, make yourself worth ANYONE"s time, by making yourself the best you can, like you've said you were going to do for YEARS. It starts now, dammit, not tomorrow morning, not after you fuck around on Tumblr for the next three hours, not stalking out Mr Sadist over there who really could give a rat's fuck about you anyway, but NOW.

And no sugar for you, since you didn't run today, until friday. Lazy fuck, you even put your running clothes on and still didn't go, unbelievable.

AND you're banned from all chat clients for the rest of the night, use your time wisely and get all that shit done you've been saying you'll get done. Bedtime THREE, no more of this five am shit. You're getting up at TEN.

I swear to god, if I could beat myself, I would, I'm so mad at myself. You're lucky you only have yourself to answer to.