I feel spring creeping up my spine. I feel the warm breeze pulling me out, away, forward. Winter has always been a hybernation period, and, living in the north-east, it's easy to stay locked up in my apartment from december to March without leaving much. Which is exactly what I've been doing. But I feel the earth moving towards warming up even though it is still cold and snowing on a regular basis - the sun is brighter, the days a bit longer. I've been so lost lately, so many ups and downs - I'm ready to just pack up my car and say, "good luck, and goood byyyye". And I feel I might just do it, too. Lately I've been trying really hard to function well, almost as if I had a Master to help me - pulling strength out of me, forcing myself to do simple things like clean or eat or, Christ, get out of bed. There's just something in me that functions best (or at all) when I feel like I'm doing everything for someone. Cooking, cleaning whatever- but also taking care of myself, being happy and smiling, being productive or being inspired. It's terrible that because I don't have someone to love and to love me I feel so useless, aimless, pointless.
My mother once told me, "don't become one of those girls who is only happy when they have a boyfriend, you can be happy alone, too" but she also looked at me one day when I was like 13 and was in some puppy love with some boy at school who actually was talking to me, she looked at me and, not knowing anything about him, said, "you're awful pleasant when you're in love." But I suppose everyone is, right? Which makes me wonder, what the hell is the point of all of this if you don't have someone to share your world with?
The getaway car is looking more and more appealing.