Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm Sad

Im sitting here, mad and upset about men and how they treat me. I think to myself, "No wonder so many people are gay, men and women aren't relating to eachother". I'm thinking this because of so many communication mishaps and barriers. I'm thinking this because I'm mad and upset. Over and over men disappoint me. I find myself looking for female companionship. Which makes me ask a lot of questions. Particularly; "Am I gay?" Also, "Why do I hate men?" I find that as I sit here, my distraught (and now, stoned) mind turning over and over. I run back to the thoughts of my sexuality, my interest in BDSM, my scars... My decision that "women's rights has fucked us". But I don't think it's that. I also turn over my ideas of being gay, and my attraction to women. A lot of girls are bisexual or bicurious and I hate the terms. It reminds me of plastic looking girls giggling and making out at some house party while holding a Smirnoff and boys oo and aw and gauk and egg them on.

Ultimately I come to the realization that men have become disrespectful. They have the control. They take what they can get, and they do it scrappy because that's the only way they know how. Women have learned to play some sort of game, and some are good at it, but I'm not. I think we're in a world of topping from the bottom.

I don't know what I do. I get mad. No, I get sad... and then I get mad because I'm sad and I don't want to show it.

I'm sad that I don't know how to "properly deal with men". Mostly I don't think I should have to. I think men should be more sensitive to women. And I'm not talking about being a pussy, I'm talking about paying attention.

Which is why I think I like BDSM so much. I like the idea of a Master, a Dom, a Sadist. These Top Men type, the best of them, they pay attention with great detail. They are in tune. And they wield that power knowingly...

This used to be a normal thing. Men did manly things. They hunted and killed. They protected their land and people. They knew who they were, and for that matter, so did women. Now all of our roles are fucked up and I can't fucking handle it half the time. I don't feel like anyone sees me. My ability to give a person what they want has made me into people I am not. But is that even true? Aren't you a product of what you do?

But men are supposed to run the world.

There's a balance to maintain.

I often feel lost.

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