Monday, December 29, 2008

Kneeling on Rice, an Afterthought

After finishing my night with my Master, and having a good sleep, I thought perhaps I'd not been clear about the crying part. I only say this because last night I was unable to stop crying after I'd started - a pause long enough to write out my post, where my mind was occupied. I guess I'd like to specify that because the pain itself was not bringing me to tears (though surely eventually it would have), I looked inside for an emotional trigger, something that would surly upset me. 

Do not doubt, however, that this is any less sweet torture than hearing my Master revel in my pain,  that that my pleasure doesn't truly come in his pleasure and that my aching doesn't come straight from my desire to be close to him. I wait with anticipation. 

You know it's a funny thing - to be so far away from someone you adore so much. This morning I woke with such calmness between my ears, I floated around the way my nylon nightgown floats about my skin which feels so taught and ringing with him. I thought through some haze of things I should do and was happy at the thought of doing such things as laundry and dishes and small errands, keeping busy. 

It's amazing what a good cry can do.

And only to find out that He must be gone for a few hours, as if I was already preparing myself for his absence. I continue to be amazed at our connection.

My sister, Juliet, she thinks it is all terribly terribly romantic. I would have to agree. On that thought, Juliet's interest and acceptance in our strange but passionate relationship is so welcome, her involvement unravelled the last bits of my doubts. After all these years and all the conversations with her about him, how I slowly presented to her my relationship with him over the years - and then, finally, after a particularly painful relationship ended for Juliet and the idea of a responsible, skilled and knowing Master actually exists, brought her comfort, albeit painful. 

And now, my two favorite and most reliable people, the two who have always been there for me and supportive, understanding and sometimes harsh when needed.. are friends!

No comments:

Post a Comment