Dear Diary...
I cannot bare the thought of not talking to him, yet I cannot bare the thought of breaking down to call or email him either... Don't get me wrong, it's not because of pride or any such thing, but pure desire to show him that I am willing to suffer, that I want to please him, obey him, love him, do anything to be with him... Am I insane? Have I dropped off the deep end? Sometimes I think I have. It's not even right to write this here where anyone could stumble on it, anyone could steal a piece of our world together and judge it, one that only him and I can understand...
I want so badly to have my romantic story and I think we have the most insanely romantic story I could ever have wished to experience, endure and anticipate.
How long can I really do this for? How long can I not pick up the phone and dial his number? Or even email him? It's such torture. He's not on AIM. He's blocked me to deter temptation, and surely I don't need any more....
But I want to tell him about my day, about my frustrations. Instead I will be silent, save this journal, and suffer without him, and around all of my friends so happy and fun. I smile and act normal and I don't talk about it and constantly it's in my mind and I want to do what will make him happy even if he's not here even though I know it's about making me happy and being who I want to be because I want to be or whatever nonsense but it's bullshit because I swear to god I live my life based around him and I don't even fucking care if it's wrong!
And the adult part of me says, no, no, calm down. Take a breath, everything will be fine. One day at a time, just do what you need to do. You don't need to talk to anyone else, it's good enough he knows and you know and that's it. I know. He knows.
That's it.
Am I crazy?
I came here because my sub requires punishment and I searched for kneeling on rice. I stayed for the wonderful writing and great sub viewpoints(I hope to share this blog with my sub after the surprise of the punishment).
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm posting after reading this more recent post. As someone who has been on both sides of bad breakups(and I have no idea what has happened over the past 2 years with yours), just wanted to say in case you didn't have anyone else to talk to, someone out on the internet cares and will listen:
absenthkey.15.dent@xoxy.net
Hope things are going well, I really enjoy your writing and hope to read more in the future!