Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I am constantly feeling guilty. Guilty about some small thing I did or said, guilty for drinking, guilty for fucking or flirting. I can find something in most days to feel guilty about, and I'm not entirely sure why that is. I think it might be from conditioning from a previous relationship, but I'm not all convinced. Could also be partly from my upbringing and a part of my personality desiring to be perfect. Probably all three, and then some. I do know it's connected to my masochism, my need to feel cleansed of these feelings. Which isn't the only reason I ever crave the sting of pain. There's pretty much any reason I could come up with for that, but it is often based around feeling guilt. It can be quite frustrating, not having anyone but myself to answer to about it. Adjusting behavior to be more of myself and not of how I was moulded some years ago. 

I don't want to feel guilty for things that I enjoy, to feel like I'm constantly doing something wrong. But maybe I am doing something wrong, and the guilt is simply there to remind me that I'm misbehaving. But misbehaving to whom? Myself?

Hmm... things to think on 

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