Looking at my blog I see that my rice-kneeling experience is my among my most viewed entries- though, I must say, even that is a small number. But still, I have a desire to clarify.
I make it sound as if I was triggering my longing for him as being why I cried.
The reality is that Juliet asked me, why do you not cry?
and I searched within myself to find the answers.
Rebellion.
Rebellion was the answer. So torn was I over the fact that I wasn't with him that I was willing to stretch out and deny him his desire for as long as I could.
Well, I certainly suffered that rebellion.
It was and it wasn't my longing for him that made me cry. I think a bigger part of it was my realizing some things:
a) I loved him, I wanted him, I needed him.
b) No matter my stubbornness, I was his
c) (and perhaps most importantly) I didn't forget to call him Sir, I did it on purpose to be punished and feel him- physically, mentally, emotionally. I was searching for that severe connection.
These things have a way of back firing, but I needed it to fill the void that he left with not meeting me. The only thing I ever asked of him.
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