Addiction

I dont' know why I insist on torturing myself over.... well, everything humanly possible, I think. Particularly, however, to do with relationships. As soon as I start to feel that love creeping in, it's instant time to start obsessing, questioning my worth, said lovers intentions, and everything in between. I really need to learn to take a step back, not be so needy and obsessive... Unfortunately, in my mind, it's this great torturous romantic ordeal that always backfires and then I get to say, "I knew it was too good to be true" or some bullshit, where in reality I fucked it up... Maybe I'm looking for someone who thinkings I'm awesome enough to be that patient with, or maybe I just really don't believe I deserve that sort of love and happiness, or maybe I'm terrified of falling that hard and then loosing that person. Abandonment issues. Self worth issues. It's confusing considering sometimes I convince myself that I AM awesome. Mostly I look in the mirror and I feel incomplete. Just very very incomplete. I can't wait to go home and ignore everyone. I feel like there's all these fingers looking to grope in on my heart and body and sometimes my mind, but I'd rather just put it all on lock down and tell the world to go fuck themselves....

This was supposed to be a place for secrets, but I suppose that'll have to wait for my typewriter and paper journal.

This feeling of love and the feeling of addiction sure feels an awful lot alike...