Sunday, August 28, 2011

A thought on God

The rain from Hurricane Irene has finally hit where I am staying, and while I know it's a serious storm, I can't help but feel comforted in it's gentle noise. I'm reminded of my childhood, sharing an attic room with my sister, and the rain was always so loud, the thunder never scary. One time, when I was about 10 years old, we were driving somewhere, it was dark, and my mother pulled over because the rain storm was so bad. We had a hatch-back and she put the far back seats downs so we could lay and look out the window at the storm, explaining to us that we were safe because of the rubber tires, and that it was beautiful, and not to be afraid. I seem to feel I understood God in that moment... The greatness, the power, the fear, beauty... I think I associate all great things with these same collection of adjectives. God is in the rain. Water, as God, and cleansing and calming. I am a Cancer, a moon child, a water sign. I also, just to be clear, have my own understanding of what God is, but for lack of a better word, I still use it... Some people struggle with whether they believe in God, some struggle with whether God cares about them- I don't. I worry about whether or not God is proud of me.

When I was just about to turn 10, my mother moved my siblings and I to another town, about five hours from where I was born, and before we left, our Baptist church decided to rush us being "Saved". Accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. The woman of the Church who lead us through this ritual saw that I was not emotional and questioned whether I was honest in my belief. Until this very moment of her questioning, I had no doubts at all, I mean, why should I? I was never exposed to anything else, and I just took it as truth, as a part of my life. When she did doubt me though, it suddenly occurred to me that there were other options out there, other ways to believe, and perhaps even, other Gods.

Thus began my questioning of what and who God was. A couple years later, I was introduced to Wicca. I began researching occult subjects. A few years into this searching, I stumbled upon BDSM.

The Sadist said to me yesterday something along the lines of that in our most masochistic and sadistic moments, we are closest to God. I argued that we were the most Human. He agreed.

Sometimes I curse finding BDSM, other times I revel in it. Right now, I accept it as part of who I am, and I refuse to flaunt it or hide it. But I certainly know I am a true child of God, and search every day to be better for a higher purpose. I believe that we all can go as high as we like, I just have a hard time seeing any roof or boundary I don't want to bust through and see to the other side.

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