Christmas

As the end of September approaches, so does the beginning of one of the best months- and my favorite holiday- Halloween. Unfortunately, I realize that it's always daunted by the oncoming winter, and with it my least favorite day of the year- Christmas. Between never having money, a full family (or anywhere to go the last few years, period), or a lover... I really hate Christmas. I want to love it, but seeing as I can't remember a good one, it's hard to. The cold weather reminds me of it. And I'm just left here choking on my own self pity, holding back tears barely letting myself hope that this year might be different.

I keep telling myself I'm doing this all for me, but I fear it's all for you...

Silent Love

I am learning to be quiet in my love. So desperately do I feel my emotions, so eagerly do I want to act on them... But there is something in the silence and denial of my heart. I am dreaming of what could be, or what might be... I have terribly romantic desires, along with my dark ones. For now, I suppose my fantasies will have to suffice. Such sweet torture.

Yelling at Myself...

You lazy little shit, a nap? Really? That's about all you've been doing for a how many weeks now, just sleeping and watching netflix and ignoring your life and responsabilities. You bitch about having no money yet you do nothing with your day. I get it, you had a shitty experience, a few, in fact, and that sucks. You're life isn't peaches and cream right now, but there is only ONE way to make that change and that's by doing the things you keep putting off. So you don't want a "real job" well congratulations, you've waited to long to get one, so put your fucking nose to the grindstone and do the rest of the shit you said you'd do. Good, you haven't smoked in a week, we'll see how well that holds up when you're asked to smoke in a shoot or your friends are all smoking and you're drunk, just one puff right? What's the harm? Only your fucking health, Miss I Was Born A Month And A Half Premature. You know your lungs are one of the last things to develop, what, do you have a fucking death wish? Do you feel that pathetic about your life that you want to throw it away on lung cancer? Do you like not being able to breathe going up stairs, like a fucking lazy fat kid, like most of the lazy stupid people dirtying up this god forsaken earth? You keep saying, "I'll run tomorrow morning, I swear" yet you keep not doing it. You know what that says? That says that you can't even make a fucking promise to yourself, you can't keep your own word to YOURSELF, how can ANYONE else take your word, then? How can anyone else trust you? You sit at your little computer pining after this one or that one, why wont the Sadist talk to me, wondering what M is doing or god, even that Dominatrix. As if you deserve any of their attention at all!? They have ALL told you you are a bratty moody sub, and who the fuck wants a rebel constantly let alone a bitch who can't even hold herself to her OWN promises- promises that, as a matter of fact, you know are desirable for any respectable person. But don't do it for them, and you know that's not the point, do it for yourself, because you want to be that person. For Christ's sake, make yourself worth ANYONE"s time, by making yourself the best you can, like you've said you were going to do for YEARS. It starts now, dammit, not tomorrow morning, not after you fuck around on Tumblr for the next three hours, not stalking out Mr Sadist over there who really could give a rat's fuck about you anyway, but NOW.

And no sugar for you, since you didn't run today, until friday. Lazy fuck, you even put your running clothes on and still didn't go, unbelievable.

AND you're banned from all chat clients for the rest of the night, use your time wisely and get all that shit done you've been saying you'll get done. Bedtime THREE, no more of this five am shit. You're getting up at TEN.

I swear to god, if I could beat myself, I would, I'm so mad at myself. You're lucky you only have yourself to answer to.

Addiction

I dont' know why I insist on torturing myself over.... well, everything humanly possible, I think. Particularly, however, to do with relationships. As soon as I start to feel that love creeping in, it's instant time to start obsessing, questioning my worth, said lovers intentions, and everything in between. I really need to learn to take a step back, not be so needy and obsessive... Unfortunately, in my mind, it's this great torturous romantic ordeal that always backfires and then I get to say, "I knew it was too good to be true" or some bullshit, where in reality I fucked it up... Maybe I'm looking for someone who thinkings I'm awesome enough to be that patient with, or maybe I just really don't believe I deserve that sort of love and happiness, or maybe I'm terrified of falling that hard and then loosing that person. Abandonment issues. Self worth issues. It's confusing considering sometimes I convince myself that I AM awesome. Mostly I look in the mirror and I feel incomplete. Just very very incomplete. I can't wait to go home and ignore everyone. I feel like there's all these fingers looking to grope in on my heart and body and sometimes my mind, but I'd rather just put it all on lock down and tell the world to go fuck themselves....

This was supposed to be a place for secrets, but I suppose that'll have to wait for my typewriter and paper journal.

This feeling of love and the feeling of addiction sure feels an awful lot alike...

A thought on God

The rain from Hurricane Irene has finally hit where I am staying, and while I know it's a serious storm, I can't help but feel comforted in it's gentle noise. I'm reminded of my childhood, sharing an attic room with my sister, and the rain was always so loud, the thunder never scary. One time, when I was about 10 years old, we were driving somewhere, it was dark, and my mother pulled over because the rain storm was so bad. We had a hatch-back and she put the far back seats downs so we could lay and look out the window at the storm, explaining to us that we were safe because of the rubber tires, and that it was beautiful, and not to be afraid. I seem to feel I understood God in that moment... The greatness, the power, the fear, beauty... I think I associate all great things with these same collection of adjectives. God is in the rain. Water, as God, and cleansing and calming. I am a Cancer, a moon child, a water sign. I also, just to be clear, have my own understanding of what God is, but for lack of a better word, I still use it... Some people struggle with whether they believe in God, some struggle with whether God cares about them- I don't. I worry about whether or not God is proud of me.

When I was just about to turn 10, my mother moved my siblings and I to another town, about five hours from where I was born, and before we left, our Baptist church decided to rush us being "Saved". Accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. The woman of the Church who lead us through this ritual saw that I was not emotional and questioned whether I was honest in my belief. Until this very moment of her questioning, I had no doubts at all, I mean, why should I? I was never exposed to anything else, and I just took it as truth, as a part of my life. When she did doubt me though, it suddenly occurred to me that there were other options out there, other ways to believe, and perhaps even, other Gods.

Thus began my questioning of what and who God was. A couple years later, I was introduced to Wicca. I began researching occult subjects. A few years into this searching, I stumbled upon BDSM.

The Sadist said to me yesterday something along the lines of that in our most masochistic and sadistic moments, we are closest to God. I argued that we were the most Human. He agreed.

Sometimes I curse finding BDSM, other times I revel in it. Right now, I accept it as part of who I am, and I refuse to flaunt it or hide it. But I certainly know I am a true child of God, and search every day to be better for a higher purpose. I believe that we all can go as high as we like, I just have a hard time seeing any roof or boundary I don't want to bust through and see to the other side.

I want I want I want

I'm on fire again today and I want to eat everyone's soul, I'm fantasizing about the Sadist non stop, but I'm going to fuck the Painter later and I"m going to fuck him hard. His world is about to be turned the fuck upside down, I will work him into a frenzy he's never experienced. Why can't he be sadistic? It's a rare trait, and one I fucking covet. I'm having flash fantasies about slapping the Sadist in the face and watching his face harden and change in the way I know will happen, maybe I'll get one of those knowing smiles, the thoughts of what he will do to me once he has me bound up crossing through his pretty green eyes... I see him yanking me by the hair, I hear myself groan and smile, egging him on, he kisses me sweetly to compensate the torture he's about to lay on me. Throw me to the ground. Do I get back up? I get confused as to fight back or just let go, I want to do both so I laugh because I'm a bitch brat and start to stand, only to have him use his boot to knock me over, stepping on my face, looking down at me laughing as I now struggle to get away from him and god I don't even have the patience for these fantasies right now, let's skip to the part where he hits me in the face enough to placate me so he can throw me on my stomach, renching my arms behind my back... rope, rope is what I want, messy and harsh. - God I'm distracted, that first time he zip-tied my hands behind my back he spun me around and looked at me, naked, and smiled, pinching my nipples saying something about how he was instantly turned on, and so was I. He's tall, so tall, and manly, and scruffy and hot. Always with these small moments that I flash back to throughout the day...

I want him to put me in so much pain I can't think at all. I want it to be messy and rough and wild. Choke me, fuck me in the ass, hit me, whip me, cut me... He wants blood and tears and I want to give it to him, I want to be lost in him, screams behind a gag, shivering in anticipation, blindfolded, whimpering, begging for it to stop but ignored. Bruises and welts. Collar me and chain me to the floor. Rape me. Play piercings. Whips. Whips. WHIPS. Chains. Rope. Leather.

I am torturing myself because I can't fucking have any of this!

And as a side note, I'm such an amateur I don't even know what I really want. But I know I want to experiment with, like, all of it. Alright, maybe not all of it. Bitches be crazy. I just want him to push all my boundaries and limits.

Shit, I gotta go get shit done.

My skin is aching to hurt.